Zombies and Modes of Survival (The Basics)

I. The Spreading of the Virus

J.P. had written a note the other day, posting on the exclusive club known as Facebook.  You know it?  There are only a handful of people who have access to it.  Anyway, he had written a segment about the Apocalypse.  This generated this idea.

II.  How Media Fares

After halfheartedly watching an episode of television’s award winning reality drama Wife Swap, the notion of the world ending this year was brought to our (Sarah and I) attentions.  The parents of one family were influenced by the concerns of their oldest daughter upon her mentioning the 2012 End of the World.  As the episode played on, it was clear that the daughter simply brought the topic up as a conversation piece for the dinner table; the family did not seem to have much to talk about over their Hostess soup appetizer and Fried Twinkie salad entrees.  It’s okay if you pretend to be eating healthy.  It was clear as day that as the parents’ concern increased, the concern of their daughter (and her siblings) decreased.  Because of the daughter wanting to help save the family by provoking conversation, the children must suffer with daily training and preparation exercises for the End of Days.

Why is this important?  To be in the best of shape to elude the zombies, of course.  No offense or anything, they have been ignoring the physical training of the preparation a lit-tle-bit-too-much.  Can you say walking flesh piñatas?

Now, why did I bring that up?  Why do I have to be so mean? I read an article about Zombie Poetry in The Post-Standard not too long ago.  Cognitively, this is a legit segue.  The first name that comes to mind:  Zach Parrish.  It’s not because his name sounds like perish. Why?  Poetry and Zombies.  Zombies and Poetry.  And look:  “Z” and “P” are perfectly part of both, just like personalized linens (you won’t need that come December!).  In my opinion, Zach’s ability to write poetry cannot be described in one word, his zombie literature is highly entertaining, and he would be a perfect individual to associate with when it came to to the end of the world.

Remember, folks, it’s not what you have, but it’s who you’re with.  Investing in HAZMAT gear and other tools for the end of days would be pointless.  First of all, the end of the world probably isn’t going to happen.  Remember the other scares?  Yeah, 2000?  Hello, we’re still here.  You would blow all that money on crap that you won’t really even need.  A HAZMAT suit will not protect you from the zombies; in fact, wearing it would only slow you down.

Seriously though.  I don’t watch Wife Swap, but that episode is simply hysterical.  How that crazy wife comes down on her adopted family is hil-ar-i-ous.  They think the world is end and their having to pay for all the crap they bought will be voided since there will be no 2013.  Trust me.  I’ve looked at IMDB; Hollywood has invested in too many up-and-coming movies for there not to be. 

Please advise:  don’t take that wife’s backpack.

III. What Are My Precautions?

Q.  What will the Apocalypse look like?

A.  The hell do I know.  If anything, it probably won’t look like the descriptions in McCarthy’s The Road.  The environment will just carry on as it does.  Please reference The Walking Dead.  There will be sunny days and rainy days.  There will be warm days and cold days. 

Since the world will end in December, it’s going to be mighty cold in Syracuse.  If the weather trend continues, it may not be.  We still don’t have accumulated snow.  However, we’re not going to assume either way, riiiiiiiiight?  We all know where that gets you.  The plan is to head to warmer climates without question.

I would find a shopping cart to carry necessities, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Wait, no I’m not.  Keep reading.

Q.  Carry Only What You Need?

A.  Yes, dumbass.

All you need are some guns (one shotgun and hand guns), sharp metal instruments which can be tucked away upon your person (secondary weapons), food and clothing.  As stated above, a shopping cart may be helpful.  However, the potential noise it may emit could damper your ability to survive.  It could be a walking alarm for bandits and zombies.  Be sure to grab a share of WD40. 

You don’t want to try to fit an entire grocery/supply store in your cart, superfluously filling it until it mounds up.  It will make your cart too heavy.  Would you be able to push it then?  Not as quickly or effectively as you would like.

Bow and arrows will be effective.  They are quiet and perfect if you know how to use them.  Get practicing. 

Hunt and fish and gather.  If it worked effectively back in the day, it sure will benefit you now. Grab some field guides, because identifying those poisonous berries would be a good thing.

Q.  Is There Really Strength In Numbers?

A.  Yes and no.  Yes, because you’re definitely going to want to be around the ones you love, family and friends included.  You’ll want to make sure everyone is okay.  Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, you cannot save everyone.  However, not having certain people around will weigh on your mind. It will be extremely difficult, but you’ll have to push ahead.

However, having a large party traveling throughout the states will test patience and authority.  With more persons in your party, the indolent and pessimistic and impatient will only slow the group down.  This is especially true with the family from Wife Swap. They will only slow your group down.  What do you do?  Tell them to put up or shut up.  Tell them they’re slow, and if they don’t stop being themselves:  bait. 

I know that is cruel of me to say.  However, if you saw the episode, you’d understand their being disposable.  As a group, we wouldn’t dispose of the kids right off the bat.  Granted they are gullible, but the kids are our future. We’d feed that wife to those zombies, but it would have to be a large band of them.  It’s like a grenade, a huge human food grenade, you want to distract/take out as many zombies as you can.

Just remember:  more people = more mouths to feed.  People can sure get greedy…

Q. Who Do You Rely On?

A. No one but yourself.  You are you’re only friend.  The truth hurts, don’t it?

Those who come next in line would be family, significant others, and close friends. Those who join the entourage along the way… skepticism never hurt nobody. Who would I rely on?

1)  Any and every person in my or Sarah’s families.
2)  Al and Erin T.  Being experienced in the zombie field, they would be essential in our caravan.
3)  Dan Volles.

The next step would be trying to contact people from Buffalo to Albany before moving on.  Following that, contact Zach and people moving away from the NYC and Long Island areas:  they are more populated (ergo, more zombies) and there will be lack of resources.  That’s right, you Downstaters, I went there.

A band of rag-tag survivors I wouldn’t mind running into?  The guys I used to play bocce ball with.  They’re experienced in the zombie field.  Paul and Jim would be the sensible leaders.  The liabilities, those who I shall not name, will be the several other members with God complexes and mouths that will never shut up.  In essence, save Paul and Jim.

However, having a large band, or army, aside the having-many-mouths-to-feed side of the fence, it’s the literal truth of strength in numbers.  A zone defense will turn into a man-to-man.  What would be idealistic is a two-to-one ratio.  Zombies will travel in packs, not armies.  If more than one person takes on a zombie, the least likely one is to be injured.  However, that is if you apply common sense.  That’s a whole other issue.

That’s all for now.  I have to go pack my Super Mario backpack with supplies.

I mean… sleep.

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