How To Be Picky PITA

I.  This Is Back

I apologize for the lack of nonfiction blog posts, but life gets a little busy sometimes, and I felt it necessary to keep my readers entertained with an outlandish short story from a few years back.  I’ve been on the novel writing kick, and I cannot take myself off of it.  Not a bad thing?  However, I am going to anticipate contributing more and more to Project Rock City, a fantastic social blog about Central New York life:  restaurants and food, beer, clothing and style, events, and so much more.  Working with John is a pleasure, and his go-get-’em attitude is what I need to push myself to become a better writer and advocate.

Dear businesses:  want free write-ups?  Look up Project Rock City, and let us know how we can promote you.

The fact is:  Syracuse is underrated, and people still constantly complain how there is “nothing to do,” when–in fact–they are indolent and aren’t looking hard enough.  There are a plethora of concerts coming up for the winter.  There will be ice skating in Clinton Square.  Check out double and triple features at The Palace Theater.  My buddy, Jeff, has been putting these on for years, and it’s always been an inexpensive and fun time.  I will be going to The Blues Brothers and Animal House double feature on November 30th, and I will be writing about it.

I can promise you that.

II.  Helping Others Succeed

This post is going to be a stretch, and another giant step out of my comfort zone.

“Baby steps, Bob…”

I went into a home and hardware store the other day, and I am not saying which one due to my pointing out an individual.  I’m not going to pick on him–I forbid bullying–but objectively observe his mannerisms.  His socially awkward behavior was highlighted by his jokes falling miserably flat, then his realizing so, and then he began to profusely apologize for thinking he offended me.  I went along with it only to reassure the kid he was doing a fine job at fine tuning his icebreaker/customer service skills.

I wanted to cradle the (big) little guy like a child, telling him that everything would be all right.  I would then tuck him in, and read him a story about life and what not to do when it comes to matters of the heart.  I would then ask him if he had ever been in love, and he’d probably tell me that he hadn’t.  Sure, he may have had crushes, but he would never act upon them.  I would assure him right then and there that I would be able to guide him, because with my inability to help myself I could change a thing or two in his life to generate confidence.

He obviously has some confidence, because he tried joking with a complete stranger.

I would first tell him that his first step is already complete:  keep an open mind.  We can assume he is looking for anything he can get, which makes two of us, but he doesn’t have a laundry list of criteria like I do.  I want him to not sweat the small stuff, this Kevin James type, and just be himself.  Having too much thought can only drive a man insane. 

With that said:  I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning, facing the facts of my impending insanity.

I keep my laundry list in my wallet, which makes one butt cheek bulge out like George Costanza’s issue with his wallet; no wonder my back has been killing me lately.  The list, on one side, is full of of mistakes I have made, and I how these mistakes are finished or still being corrected; ergo, lessons learned.  However, the list includes a list of aspects (many of which are asinine) that I am looking for in a suitable partner.  For instance:  (1) I am all about redheads, but they all seem to not have the personality for me; I usually tend to date blonds, but I am probably going to prefer and/or end up with a brunette.  (2)  Astrologically appropriate.  (3)  Must be an active individual and very (very) cultured. 

The latter very is optional, and is simply placed for stressing the point. 

Also, author’s note:  the laundry list, or any list for that matter, is purposefully used to either check off the items and/or erase the listed criteria.  The second option is what we’re aiming for here.  However, as soon as I think I am improving, my friends objectively reassure me that my antics are still in the red. 

“Chris, you’re being ridiculous,” they say.


Jerry:      “What was that?”
George:  “I think I had some hard candy in there.”

So, I may take on the roll of trying to help others, because maybe they will listen to me.  It goes along with the simple fact I have a right idea, and yet I ignore my intentions.  Who knew convincing myself would be such a pain?

III.  Kids These Days:  I Don’t Get You

I was in a restaurant the other night, getting a Three Philosophers and a snack, and there were a few couples surrounding me.  The bar was completely open, so I had the opportunity to sit wherever without having to worry about elbowing others around me.  However, within the time of my occupying a stool, I noticed that one of the couples were not talking much at all.  Instead, the two of them were on their respective phones, and each person leaned to the side in opposite directions.  From a bird’s eye view, the two would have resembled a Yin Yang symbol with their phones respectively representing the dots. 

They sat at the table on their phones.  For all I know, that was the majority of of their date.  Were they Skyping each other?  Getting a little cyber face time while in person?  Was reality not 3-D enough for them?  Give me some clarity!?!  After their supposed date was over, the couple left arm-in-arm and smiling. 


Is this really happening?  Clearly, neither of them are happy, otherwise–well, they simply would not be on their phones for that long of time.  Apparently, being glued to one’s phone is a societal norm in life and within the dating realm.  With considering the new Samsung phones, the ability to touch and transfer information, is this going to be the new intercourse?  This gives a whole new definition to the terms:  premarital, sexting, information transfer, DNA combination, banging, and whatever else you can come up with.  At least this will slow down world overpopulation and STDs. 

Person One:  “Uh, I think my phone contracted something from yours.”
Person Two:  “That’s impossible.  My phone was just defragmented a few days ago.  You’re the first person I’ve phone-touched in two weeks.”

Guy One:  “Dude, that girl you met is totally smokin’!”
(Author’s Note:  Do people even still talk like this?)
Guy Two:  “Yeah, she totally is.”
Guy One:  “How did last night go?  You totally got with her, didn’t you?”
Guy Two:  “It went totally awesome.  We got a bite to eat, had a few drinks, and then I went to her place and touched phones.”
Guy One:  “Totally awesome.”
“Can we touch phones?”
“No, I just met you.”

“How many phones have you touched before mine?”

This is highly entertaining.  I could go on, but I am going to restrain myself.  But seriously, this date was as cool as taking a girl to a movie for a first date, which dates itself to our middle and high school years.  You don’t talk during movies.  How the hell did we expect to get to know the date better?  Then, again, we’re mindless teenagers.  This makes complete sense… to aggravate the hell out of me.

The above scenario is as hopeless romantic as the Missed Connections section on Craigslist:  W.T. and pathetic, but downright hysterical.  Know what else is funny…

IV.  E-Harm Farm

I tried E-Harmony for two months give or take. 

Enough said.

This wasn’t an entirely horrible experience.  It was valuable, actually, as I have come to realize:  (1) There is hardly anyone in Syracuse willing to “online it.”  (2)  I had grasped an understanding what having a pen pal felt like, but several times over.  (3)  Online dating isn’t for everyone, especially me.

With the exception of one individual, I am not giving her name out, the Syracuse bunch was slim pickin’ and lacking personality.  I felt that dating was an interview process, and I got tired of playing the questions game.  I have learned how to speak more often, generating conversation when it was lacking, but my excitement would mirror that of the individual I was with.  On paper, through their writing, the individuals sounded great; however, when it came to actually meet in person:  bzzzzzrrrt.  Although, I am not a dentist… yeah, yeah, yeah… you called it, folks:  “I was pulling teeth.”

Let me write, readers.  Don’t put the kibosh on my thoughts. 

The latter of the E-Harm crop, the individual mentioned a handful of lines before, is not one I am going to complain about.  I sent her a message, telling her I was deactivating my account, but stated that I enjoyed her profile.  I gave her my email address to contact me, and she did.  Weeks went by with erratic emails, and we didn’t meet about a month later.  Granted, E-Harm introduced us, but we did not meet through there.  She has a great job.  She’s responsible.  She has an exciting personality, which is complete with spontaneity and sarcasm.  We’re close in age, and we’re in the same boat of wanting more out of life. I would like to hang out more often.  Whether she feels the same is not up to me to say.  I’m just here to compliment.

I guess one has to open their eyes a bit wider; sure, online can be encouraging for some, but for us doubters:  we shouldn’t give in.  If we doubt it is going to work, it probably isn’t.  This process takes time–a lot of time–and this is too much time according to my preferences.  I found myself wasting an evening, grazing in the Internet dating field ether than partaking in actual real life activities.  Scrolling through the options, I would find myself saying:  No.  No.  No.  Hmm.  Maybe.  Hmm?  Yeah.  No.  No.  No.  I would click on the option to display the “What Ifs,” those individuals not in your area, but in a given distance.  Why they seemed more compatible, I have no idea why.  The whole process got tedious. 

Life encounters are more romantic and generate a better story.  However, that’s just my opinion and specified for my own personality.  I am not bashing anyone who is in a relationship generated by a website, because I know people who have met online, and they are still together and going strong; I wish them the very best.

V.  Let Me Introduce You To… WAIT!

To my belief, I have put myself out in the open enough for my friends to know who I am and the type of girl woman I am looking for.  The efforts of introduction are greatly appreciated, for the sake of the ephemeral cutting to the chase.  However, my friends and associates are growing ever frustrated with my being overly picky, which makes me frustrated because they are frustrated with me.  They do know who I am, and they do their best efforts; however, I stand in the way of my own happiness of not being open-minded.

I would prefer to be set up, because it is less hassle that I have to put myself through.  I don’t have to worry about the initial approach.  The concept binds friends together, even if the relationship does not work out, but save the notion that there will be awkwardness.  The only problem is you cannot screw up, otherwise it will feel as if the world is against you.  Scratch that.  The world will be against you; this includes your venting deep down and inner frustrations with Tupperware.  That’s Karma, baby.  Unfortunately, you have to consider the mere fact that single individuals may not mesh well simply because these two individuals are both categorically single.

VI.  The Next Step

The next step would be simply pulling the stick out.  I should make the best out of life, and have fun without putting so much pressure on myself.

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