Hola! Before I get into some Phil Dunphy and Modern Family nonsense, here’s some music.  The song is “Claire” by Jimmy Eat World, which is off of the band’s 1996 album, Static Prevails.


*     *     *

In 1989, a young man asks a girl to go out with him, and she agrees to it.  To another character this is baffling, which causes him to ask how this was done and inquires as to who/what this young man person is/was.  That young man, a character played by an actor named John Cusack honestly states a simple line:  “I’m Lloyd Dobler.”  This scene precedes the famous, in-your-face boombox above the head spewing Peter Gabriel‘s “In Your Eyes.”

For years, Dobler has been an icon for young (awkward) love and hopless romantics around the world.  He reminds us guys–should some of us choose to listen–need to put our egos aside and go for broke when it comes to relationships.  Awkward love probably turns out for the best; it seems to be that way.  Maybe in some side room confessional, you’re future partner will say that “he was was so cute and awkward when doing a, b, or c.”  The awkward moments resonate.

Awkward moments resonate.  Depending on the person these moments can benefit or hurt, but this depends on the person and how they roll out of that moving car.  There’s no guarantee whether or not you’ll walk away with scrapes or broken bones… or may be you you’ll have to crawl away.

I’m probably one of the most accident prone people on the planet, mostly tripping over my own feet and saying dumb things at the wrong time, making it worse for me than anyone else.  If you, readers, haven’t learned this about me in person or through text (for those who don’t know me) you will.  It’s best letting the fun awkwardness unfold itself instead of forcing it.

For years–and it still is–that line has been posted on my Facebook page, and the reason that it’s still there has since been null and void.  I’m not Lloyd Dobler, and it’s evident that I’m far from him.  Cliff deserves that subtitle beneath his name, but after the Esquire.

[Changing Facebook section.  Be right back.  Take a break.]

Okay. I’m back.  In the About Me section, it no longer has the Cusack quote.  No, it’s not a sad day due to changing this quote which has been a part of my profile since 2004 (yeah, I’ve been on Faceobook since 2004).  It’s Modern Family time.

This is nothing agains my ex, she really knew me and I embrace this, but she pointed out one night while we were watching Modern Family that I am a real life Phil Dunphy.  I’m not the only one out there.  The fact that I’m tallish, goofy, sensitive, utter phrases that can be taken out of context, have dark brown hair, and that I tend to go for blondes.   I try to be hip as well.

Plus, it doesn’t hurt to have a crush on Claire.

Oh, see what I did there?  Yes, isn’t it funny that the song at the beginning of this post is called “Claire.”


See, Ty Burrell approves.

Let’s go through the list, shall we?


I have issues with stairs, and this is the truth.  It’s always the inanimate object’s fault, too.  For the longest time, and many people can vouch for this truth.  What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs?  Rolls over your neighbors dog?  Yes. Me.  Although I may not fit on your back, it depends on who you talk to about me making a great snack.

At a previous place of employment–this activity about to be mentioned was for exercise and avoiding smelly, slow elevators–I would take the stairs multiple times a day.  No big deal right?  Bragging rights:  13 flights would be scaled and decended.  Boom.  Technically, my feet would travel up 39 flights a day.  Now you all know that this guy is partially obsessive about the little things that make life challenging.


Nope. Sometimes you cannot win all battles.  Sometimes stuttering and frustration develops from anxiety.  Hey, we’re only human.  Should I choose the Michael Scott approach to obeying the GPS and driving the car into a pond all for the sake of Turtles?  Yes, I would.

That’s why thinking things through before acting and speaking is probably the best bet.  The only exception is improv.


You have to stay true to yourself.  If you don’t stick to your guns and let people walk all over you, well, it’s not going to turn out pretty.  Be upfront and honest.  No one will like you if you play yourself off to be someone you are not, if you don’t give a shit, or if you are downright rude.  We’re not perfect and have had these moments of slipping.  Just learn from the mistakes, and prevent them from happening again and again.

Sometimes the third time is a charm.  Sometimes a third opportunity is too many.


I love to play games and try something new.  I’m also gullible to a certain degree.  Period.


The art of surprise and physical appearances.  Love it.  Have you seen my moustache pic?


Immaculate.  Almost.  I’ve got nothing on Ron Swanson.


As a writer I love words and phrases; ergo, I have divine permission to twist things up once in a while.  Usually, it’s accidental, which means I sound like a total dweeb. (Baby of the 80’s.  Child of the 90’s.)  I’m alright with that.

Many times–I wish I had a dime for them–when people have looked at me with their head tilted.  Say what, man?  Exactly.  I don’t know what just came out of my mouth, but there is much pride with it.

However, I often confuse myself.


This is actually how I dance.

Kidding.  Somewhat.

I have taken a ballroom dancing class, and this was before the big hubub of a television show played up and ruined dancing.  I can Cha-Cha-Cha like nobody’s business.  I waltzed with one of my best friends–my sister from another mister–on her wedding day, which was great.

My dancing gets better with a little liquid courage.


I dislike being rude.  I always acknowledge people when seeing them, and I always say goodbye.  If there was a case where either of these did not happen, I am sorry.  The reasoning:  you were not noticed, you couldn’t be found when leaving, or there was some reason that I had to rush out of there.

A few people dislike this aspect of me, and for that I am not sorry.  They can deal with it.  You don’t like to be ignored, and neigher do I.

I’m grateful what people do for me, and this goes for the small things.


I love animals, especially dogs and cats.  Due to the living situations that I’ve been in, favoritism sways towards cats; they are fun and independent.  Cats love to play, cuddle, and mess with you.

However, I would not hesitate to bring an alpaca home.  I’ve brought a mouse and two lizards into my parents house during my teenage years; bringing an alpaca would not surprise anybody.

My future kids will love me.

7 thoughts on “Phil-an-Dunphy

  1. Lloyd Dobler is a legend of which a whole generation of movie-loving men aspire. Bow to Lloyd Dobler, the overachiever who never stopped trying for that brass ring. Put that quote back on Facebook, Mr. Malone.

Comments.... ?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.