Breaking the Ice

A post about unemployment was started, but the kibosh was put on it. There was nothing interesting about writing about applying for jobs, a couple writing and a couple digital marketing jobs. After mapping out the words that are to follow, a good segue was made, but I’ll save that for a Kinani Blue post.

Last night, there was an attempt to call me out on being insincere and not truthful regarding my shyness. I’m told that “I’m not shy,” because I perform improv. I’m not shy,” because I talk to a lot of people. My longevity with jobs was complimented, saying that I’m dedicated even though I thoroughly didn’t like a certain position, and because of that I stuck it out and tried to do well.

But I don’t have a job, and I get anxious before interviews. I don’t have a girlfriend, because the timidness and awkwardness sweat out of me; and women do have teeth, and so they will bite. I don’t have my dream job, because there is some self esteem issues that get in the way. And since money is such an issue, it does hinder moving to a larger environment without a secure job.

And I stared at this person. I just stared. I wanted to chuckle, because she was confident that she had me pegged; she didn’t. She presumed me to be a certain type. I asked her why I was on an internet dating site. She couldn’t answer it, or maybe she didn’t answer it since it sounded rhetorical.

While I was grabbing a beer with this friendly face, who currently is simply an acquaintance on friendly terms, an OkCupid match walked into the room. She looked at me, pulling a double-take and recognizing me from the website. That was clearly obvious. But this was after I saw a girl I previously dated months ago. I shielded my face to protect my person from being seen; the angle I was at helped as well. Even though I wasn’t on a date, I didn’t want her to see me with another woman.

The brunette, although we dated briefly about a month and a half, was probably one of the prettiest I’ve dated. Amazing kisser; and there was such a breathtaking passion when our lips touched. Sometimes I’d have to pull away to catch my breath, but even having my hand on the side of her face during that pause was just as electrical.

She and I met at a bar, during a networking event. I saw her, and her beauty struck a chord. Our eyes locked, and I knew she wanted to talk to me as well. We did. Aside our differences, we got along well. Introducing her to everyone came without hesitation. Her questioning me about some female friends made me hesitate sometimes, referencing my last serious relationship, but it wasn’t a biggie. She was not like that girlfriend of mine; I don’t think anyone could be that domineering.

But I didn’t talk to her immediately. I actually crossed my fingers with hope that she’d sit down at our table. She made her way over and sat down. And that’s how it started.

I’m on OkCupid. (Yes, this is redundant information.) In the words of Tom Cruise/Jerry Maguire: “You had me at hello.” Although this marks the first and last time I will ever quote Tom Cruise, this is the ideal situation. We want that first connection to be a defining moment. It may not be the defining moment, but it has to be a defining moment that will resonate through the rest of the relationship. Aside from the person-to-person interaction, the online dating world does not allow this to happen.

Some messages say, “Hi.” Some messages take one aspect of my profile, and it’s expanded upon. Some messages don’t even begin with hello. Some messages are simply absurd. This leaves me wanting to make contact and connections less. For the first time, I responded to someone the other day after they only said hello with a wink emoticon (not emoji). I responded and asked how they were. Nothing as a reply back.

Are these profiles bots? Are they made up? I’ve seen the green dot indicators, letting everyone know they are online. This only makes online dating more uninviting and more unappealing. There is reluctance to make an effort. By I still try for some reason, but it’s feeble.

Why? Because the whole real-life confidence has grown because of it.

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