A Prairie Dog Companion

While on our cross-country journey, we came across a community filled with the black-tailed prairie dog (Cynomys ludovicianus). This protected species, also distant cousins to the common squirrel, were found in a field as we approached Devil’s Tower National Monument in Wyoming. The Great Plains dwellers were popping up-and-out and back into their holes.

Of course, we had to stop and say hello.

The prairie dogs are definitely an interesting species. For one, after Googling information on the adorable little buggers, have been designated as “Chicken McNuggets of the Grasslands” by a World Wildlife Federation (WWF) article. Although these critters can be devoured in one bite or grabbed in one swoop by particular predators, they’re apparently tough. They are to the plaines as Eric Devendorf was to The Dome. They’re scrappy fighters with a New York attitude and won’t hesitate to chug a beer, smash the bottle on the bar, and come at you with it.

Play “Don’t Stop Belivin'” by Journey again on the jukebox, they’re going to get upset. I can’t blame them.

According to the same WWF article, their language and communication abilities that are audibly heard as repetitive squeaks and chirps of various pitches and is quite complex. Article author Sarah Wade made note: “Their vocabulary is more advanced than any other animal language that’s been decoded.”

Isaac and I came to the conclusion that prairie dogs, in part to their ability to rebound in population, are robotic government operatives and are in control of many things, both typical and complex. If you have to ask why, you’re probably being manipulated by them right now.

The Spanish Inquisition was created to distract society. No one ever suspects a prarie dog.

They’re adorable. They’re expert communicators. They are architects of the underground, both literal and proverbial. What makes you think they’re not living in the walls of your home, running your car, or even functioning as the innards of your own pet?

No, fish are the exception — they’re controlled by remotes.

It’s true that technology is overtaking society. Perhaps this is the prairie dogs’ plan? Ergo, the government’s plan. New thing you know they’ll be running flight control towers, leading the Department of Defense, conducting surgeries, running Wall Street, and leading social media movement.

At Old Navy, I was told “the computer” does the scheduling. Nah, it’s the damn critters.

No more speculation on how many prairie dogs will it take to screw in light bulbs. Oh, heck no. It’s more along the lines of: How many prairie dogs does it take to successfully pose as as Mark Zuckerberg.

My guess is five.

There is a lot of ground to cover and tasks to fulfill. There is barely any time for prairie dog sex. No wonder they’re so wound up. The mating season, which is only a couple weeks long in spring, is a critical time. Females go into estrus only for a few hours tops, for one day only. No wonder males get territorial, aggressive, and violent during this time.

Wall Street never sleeps.

Plus, consider how adorable would it be to have such a companion. Sure, having a prairie dog couldn’t replace a dog or a cat in the domesticated sense. Yet, they’re too bourgeois to be classified with guinea pigs and hamsters — don’t get them started on hamsters either.

Similar to the previous reliance on Blackberries (a.k.a Crackberries), which have successfully and unfortunately replaced by reliance on iPhones, Galaxies, and the like, prairie dogs will use their significant communication skills, organization, and intellect to be that perfect little companion. Messenger bags, totes, and other shoulder carryalls will have their own Prairie Pockets™ for their furry friend(s) to snuggle up in.

Prairie Pockets™ would come equipped with sherpa fleece lining and bottom pocket pillow for the lil dogie to cozy up in, especially on cooler days. The lining can be removed and washed and replaced with Dri-Fit lining for those warmer days. Treat the prairie dog well, and it will reciprocate. Another positive aspect is the loyalty of a prairie dog. They don’t require leashes or collars — frankly, they hate it. It reminds them of talons or other sharp claw wrapping around their soft, fuzzy bodies.

“Gary, you’re screwing up the metrics!”
[Nibbles earlobe]

Move over, parrots! There are new Shoulder Sheriffs in town. Prairie dogs will be there to spell/grammar check, crunch numbers, and teach you to stop burning the damn popcorn in the office microwave.

You’ll get nothing but honesty, brutal and constructive, from these furry friends. It goes along with the fact that a prairie dog’s word (or chirp, or squeak, or shriek) is its bond. Perhaps we humans can learn a thing or two.

Keep your family and friends close, your enemies closer, and cuddle up with these robotic, government, know-it-alls.

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