There is solace, waking up naturally and before the dissonance of the alarm clock. Your eyelids slowly break apart, your eyelashes flutter slowly like butterfly wings in preparation for flight. The patter of the rain falling is soothing, cooling despite the air in the bedroom being thick and humid, and you pull the sheet up around your body despite the tepid atmosphere. The world seems silent (aside Nature’s soundtrack). Taking a deep breath to welcome the morning air into your lungs, your chest feels tight to stretch. You roll over and the other is still there, and their shoulders heave significantly with every breath. You want to throw your arm over them, but at the same time disturbing their sleep isn’t something you’d like to do either.
They’ll eventually roll over onto their back. Instead of getting hair in your face, if that person has long(er) hair or not–this is picking from personal experiences–you see the silhouette of their face, which is encompassed and outlined by a border of grey light from the window. You see their face, and your eyes scan their forehead to chin. You can see their hidden eyes, which sometimes shudder beneath the respected eyelid. Their nose, depending if they are dreaming, will stand proud or twitch. Their lips never looked so soft, and there is momentary disbelief that you were kissing those the night before or just hours ago.
Your arm ventures out from beneath your body and slides over theirs, and you rest your hand upon theirs. The acknowledgement is accepted as their fingers twitch and intertwine with yours. As they turn, they may grunt, but it shouldn’t be analyzed too intently if they simply hook your arm and pull your body closer to theirs. You share a pillow. Your chin rests slightly upon their shoulder.
Then you ask yourself: How did I get here? How did I convince or dupe myself into thinking this is right? This feels normal, but is it? Am I on the right track? It’s been so long–a moment which seems like forever–since you’ve allowed yourself to become close to another as this. You didn’t have sex, but the intimacy yielded by the two individuals, at times, felt as if it surpassed the often temporary gratification of the physical act of sex. The feeling after sex isn’t always temporary, but at times is. However and simply, there were two people, embracing. They may have taken turns hovering over one another, but sometimes they laid side-by-side. Breaths of exasperation were emitted. More importantly, while taking a break from kissing or what-have-you, the two people involved took intermissions to stare into each others eyes–non-verbal understanding.
It’s better than sex.
I’m not telling you to abstain, but I’m not telling you to fuck everything that moves. The latter, although it may give you boasting rights, will only water down the true meaning and understanding of building relationships.
In that moment of spooning, she may or may not be wearing your T-shirt (and you know she looks damn good in it), you ask yourself how you’ve gotten to this point. It’s not just the past 24 hours. It’s not the entirety of your relationship no matter the length; for all we know, it could have only known each other for two hours before being in this position. Hell, there may not even be this situation taking place. One of the two involved may or may not have left by sunup or nine.
You contemplate on seeing this out or kicking them out after they roll out and get dressed (if they aren’t sleeping in what they wore already). You may or may not wonder–yes, this is getting speculative now–why this person? Why now? Why this? What makes them different from the ones in the past? What if I am missing out on, or will be missing out on, since this relationship has begun (despite the actuality)?
Why is this strange? It’s not. It’s normal.
Why did I put myself through shit, when this–present–is comfortable? Now, sleeping in the same bed may not be as warming as one may think. Either person, depending on their personality, may or may not sleep very well. You may tell yourself that you aren’t used io it, or this isn’t the same/how it used to be. There may be strange bursts of dreams, and you could be waking up constantly. However, you’re comforted to be with someone. Despite the doubt and uncertainty you put yourself through, there was no need to worry all along. It’s trusting your gut and acknowledging things are going to be okay. Sure this person is new. You may be doubting from past relationships, and this may be the person to get you over the hurdle(s).
Change is good. Accepting you’re growing/maturing is good. If you cannot initially believe in the possibility of something, then you are holding yourself back. Sure, there may be significant stigmas to hold you back. It’s good to be apprehensive and cautious. You don’t want the past, as painful as it could amount to, to happen again. This means you know what you want, and you’re out to get it–him or her for that matter.
This is a first since…
Yes, since, but you’ve done this sort of thing before. This is another chance, another level, another ladder to climb on your way to the top–where you idealistically view yourself to be. It’s another person/relationship or it’s another day in the life. You could already be there. You have your arm around the same person you’ve been with for 5, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 plus years. You’re lying in bed, you’re holding each other.
It’s been okay. You are okay. Things will be okay.
If the relationship shits the bed, it does. You’ll embrace the pain as mild or terrible as you make it out to be. However, it will pass. You’ll be shocked this passes in a shorter period of time than expected, or you’ll be questioning yourself as to why the coping is taking much longer.
There is a nightstand or dresser. There is a space where the picture of the two of you can be seen clearly, or–if the picture does not exist–can be recognized as a potential spot for such a frame. The picture was or will be taken when you were in your prime–and the phrase in your prime means when you were extraordinarily experiencing some kind of emotion for better or for worse (you can have many prime-related moments), but despite the circumstances you’re both smiling.
You lean over and kiss the other on the forehead before drifting off back to sleep.
I play with words and invisible objects.
A mind, a pen and a piece paper have the best relationship ever.
"Remember this--if you shut your mouth, you have your choice."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald